Let me start by saying this post is not meant to mom-shame or make anyone feel bad about their parenting choices. It was born of a desire to help. I get asked about my parenting a lot, because apparently well behaved two year olds are becoming rare. And well, a pair two year olds who sit through a whole wedding ceremony while listening quietly (without a toy in sight) really makes people stop and ask questions. I don't claim to be an expert, after all I'm only 2 years into this whole mom business. But I must be doing something right to have been asked so many times nearly everywhere we go. Take it or leave it. My parenting philosophy can be summed up with this, "Do what works for ALL of you" (not just you and not just the kids, but the whole family).
1. It all starts with healthy sleep.
Did you know that many toddlers are chronically overtired? Fact is that overtired kids are misbehaving kids. My 2 year old twins sleep at least 12.5 hours per day and that's about average (toddlers need 11-14 hrs. per day). My boys sleep about 11 hours at night (without waking) and take a solid 1.5-2 hour nap. Believe me I have sacrificed a lot to ensure my boys sleep this consistently well. We had them on a schedule from Day 1 (thank you NICU nurses) and sleep trained them starting around 4 months adjusted. We had many hiccups along the way (think stubborn reflux-ers and having 2 babies share a room) but they started consistently sleeping through the night at 11 months.
I know sleep training and schedules
can be quite controversial, especially if you breastfeed (like I did) and most
especially if use the Baby Wise method (like we did). But most of the
controversy comes from a misunderstanding about what sleep training and
schedules entail and from horror stories of parents who didn't use common
sense. But here's what it boils down to: always feed hungry babies; know the
difference between hungry babies, tired babies and bored babies; teach babies
to self soothe; and avoid sleep props like nursing to sleep, rocking to sleep,
etc. Nothing crazy there, right?
Is sleep training right for
everyone? Probably not. Was it crucial to our success? I'd venture to say yes.
This mama is a lot, A LOT less patient when she lacks solid sleep and my babies
are exactly the same. We are high sleep needs people.
Bottom line, do your best to set
your kids up for healthy sleep. Provide them with a quiet, restful space for
sleep. For us that means blackout curtains, white noise, comfortable
temperature, and nothing in bed but a lovey and blanket (after 1 year...follow
your pediatrician's advice to avoid SIDS and suffocation risks). We try to wake
up at the same time, nap at the same time, and do bedtime at the same time each
day. We make exceptions for certain occasions but exceptions are few and far
between, or we all suffer the consequences (more on that later). And when
things don't go as planned... Early wake ups mean early and longer naps and
late bedtimes mean sleeping in, because we always do our best to make up for
missed sleep. Sleep is everything around here.
2. Healthy food is a close
second.
I don't know about your kids, but
mine do infinitely better when they eat healthy and complete meals. Our biggest
meltdowns are usually on days they've had fast food or a bunch of junk. Our
other meltdowns typically occur when they don't finish meals and are hungry
before its meal time again. In our house full bellies = happy kids. But even
so, snacks are small and infrequent in our house. The majority of our calories
are eaten at meal times. And if there is a snack, it's a small healthy one
after nap by request.
But honestly a full belly often isn't
enough, what's filling that belly is just as important. We are by no means
perfect, quick meals of fast food are sometimes a necessity. But 90% of the
time my kids are eating home cooked, unprocessed foods. Are they all organic?
Honestly we can't afford to live like that. Does it take extra effort on my
part? Definitely, cooking for 4 people, 21 meals a day is a ton of work (which
I understand not everyone has time for, heck I'm a SAHM and sometimes I don't
have the time). But the effect that convenience food has on my kids and their
health is worth all the extra effort. There are plenty of studies showing the
correlation between declining health, especially among kids, and the
ingredients found in most convenience foods. The big ones we avoid are: High
fructose corn syrup, high sugar foods (including undiluted fruit juice), MSG,
and GMOs when possible. Just do your best to feed them the healthiest options
that you can afford.
I won't lie my kids often don't eat
the veggies I offer to them. But I've learned how to sneak them in, smoothies
and sauces are a great way to hide pureed or minced veggies. Often when the
veggies I make for dinner are rejected, I puree them, throw them in a reusable
pouch, and boom they get eaten. Sometimes it’s the texture or even color of
veggies, not the taste that turns kids off. So hiding them is always worth a
shot. Also feeding them exactly what's on my plate and daddy's plate helps
loads by making them less apprehensive of new foods. Using adult utensils and
dinnerware, also makes them feel included and teaches responsibility. And if at
first you don't succeed at introducing a veggie try, and try, and try again,
kids opinions change with the wind. If you continue to offer a food without
forcing it, eventually they may decide they actually like it. Baby-led solids
(aka Baby-led weaning) worked great for us, they ate almost anything. The
toddler years have proved a little more picky for us (asserting their
independence is totally normal), but they have a much more varied palate than
most kids their age. Bottom line, their taste buds are molded by what they eat,
so do your best to have them eat a wide variety of foods. Give them lots of
healthy choices.
3. Let them learn to entertain
themselves.
I think as moms, we've placed undue
pressure on ourselves to give our kids the perfect childhood. One that is
engaging, entertaining, educational, and full of activities. But what gets lost
on us is the fact that kids learn best through self-initiated exploration and
discovery. That means they need to have space to discover and explore their
surroundings without someone directing and prompting.
When I step back and just watch from
a distance I'm amazed at how well my boys can entertain themselves and I'm even
more surprised by the learning they do. Consider this... my boys sat quietly through
the wedding ceremony without a single toy. They entertained themselves by
observing the ceremony, the people around them, and their surroundings. They
quietly asked "what's that?" and that was all not a single whine from
either twin.
How did that happen? Well each day
I've made sure to include a period of unstructured independent play. The length
of time has increased with age, my boys can now happily play while I shower and
get ready. But initially it was short, like a trip to the bathroom short. I
always make sure that my boys are safe, the area where I leave them is
baby-proofed and age appropriate, and they are either within sight or visible
on the monitor. Initially that mean in their cribs or a Pack 'n Play. Now at 2
I can trust them to play in their room with the door shut, because I've
toddler-proofed it. At first, I would add 2-3 toys to their crib, and over time
I started to give them choices. Now I let simply let them play in their room
while I get things like dishes and laundry done. I'll only shut the door if I
need to like to fold laundry without it being knocked over by my helpers or if
they indicate they'd like it closed.
This practice has taught them to
entertain themselves, not to depend on me. Sure we do structured play and
activities. We read and practice our letters. They even get screen time on
occasion. But every day we practice independent play, it’s as crucial for me as
it is for them. I get things done, they learn to entertain themselves.
4. Practice, practice, practice.
Even if you are doing everything
else right, things tend to fall apart if you fail to practice a new skill
before putting it to the test. Did I jump from independent play straight to the
wedding ceremony? No way, that would have been setting my kids up for failure.
The fact is we've been "practicing" for over a year and a half. When
we started to venture out of our preemie cocoon (around 4 or 5 months), we were
already practicing. First it was things like going to the store, where it’s
polite to use "indoor voices" but things won't necessarily get too
ugly if your baby is crying. Eventually we began to step up the expectations,
as they got older and showed they were ready. We took baby steps, increasing
either the time span or decreasing the acceptable volume (outside voices, then
inside voices, then whisperers, and eventually to no talking).
The best practice by far, has been
bringing them into church service with me (their daddy plays the drums, so
mama is usually solo). Initially we only stayed for the worship portion and
left the sanctuary if there was any sign of fussiness. The music did a great
job of covering those initial whines that indicate a baby meltdown is on its
way. Eventually we worked up to being able to stay for part of the sermon -- at
age 2 staying for the whole service, at 1.5 hours long, I feel is asking too
much. As they get older, they'll be ready to stay longer and longer.
People are always impressed at how
long my boys are content to sit through the worship and part of the sermon.
They don't fuss or whine anymore, but instead tell us ''all done" when
they're ready to get their wiggles out. So we quietly excuse ourselves to a
spot where we can view the sermon on a video feed while they get those wiggles
out. Eventually we may put them in Sunday school after they're "all
done", but I'll keep them in the service with me as long as they're happy
to stay. Eventually they'll need to sit and pay attention for long periods of
time (think school), so practicing now once a week gives us a head start. And
it's especially great practice for things like wedding ceremonies.
I totally get that not everyone attends church, and that there are even some churches that won't let kids into the service with parents... All that means is that practice will look different for your family. Where and when you practice isn't the important part, taking the time to practice regularly is the important part. So if that means sitting quietly at library story time, waiting politely in line at the post office, eating respectfully in a restaurant, or watching an older sibling/friend play a sport-- seek it out and practice. Model the behavior you want to see, gently correct and redirect as needed, have age appropriate expectations for their attention span and need for wiggle breaks, and most of all start small and progress slowly. It's never too late to start building this important skill! Your kid's future teachers will thank you!!
Hopefully that didn't come off as
preachy, that's not my intent. I simply seek to share what has worked for us,
to help those who are seeking it. In the end, we all must do what works for our
own families. <3
Have any great tips of your own? I'd
love to hear them in the comments below!
